remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
