She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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