she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
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So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
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I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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