he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
