Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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