Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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