I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
