there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I didn't notice because vodka
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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