1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
