before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Every concussion has its silver lining
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
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