He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off