I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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