Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
