I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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