Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
