My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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