pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
