saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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