Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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