my phone needs a breathalizer
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
