i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
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Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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