Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
