hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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