So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
