I CAN MOONWALK!
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
