she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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