party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
