Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
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you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
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You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.