His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
