I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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