dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
