He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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