so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
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