the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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