I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
