Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
