The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
