oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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