New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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