it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
