no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
