apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
