How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
