we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
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We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
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You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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