Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
