So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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