I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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