Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
