You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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