You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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