Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
