I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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