what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
