Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
