how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
