You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
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Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
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We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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